Happy Birthday?

IMG_20170409_063438A week ago today, my baby turned 1. That’s one whole year of having him and being a mum. I wanted to write something last weekend but, I have to admit, I found myself too emotional!

Ted’s birthday stirred up a whole load of different emotions I wasn’t expecting. I felt guilty at the fact he is only just 1 but has been at full time nursery since Christmas; this then led to sadness at what I have been missing for a quarter of his little life. That being said, I am also proud of the confident little boy he is becoming and proud of us for giving him the best we can. Confusing eh?

Weirdly though, it also stirred up some of the feelings of regret I still have from when he was born. This isn’t something I have really ever talked about; partly because I know it is daft compared to what some people experience but also because it does still break my heart a little.

I actually had a pretty easy labour complete with the TV style waters breaking! Everything was all very relaxed and I spent most of it in a birthing pool with only gas and air. Overall, I was only in active labour for 8 hours (not bad for a first baby I thought) but Ted decided to cause a little drama by getting stuck at the last minute and wrapping the cord around his neck. The ending happened very quickly as the midwife hit a buzzer and other people rushed in just as I pushed him out. All I remember is him on my chest for a few seconds and then he was gone. Those few minutes were the scariest of my life. The staff were brilliant and a NICU doctor was by my side in minutes to explain that they had to take him. She let me have a quick cuddle until an incubator arrived and then he was gone again.

I know we are so lucky, Ted was fine and he didn’t even need any oxygen after all, but it was 2 hours before I got to cuddle him properly. At the time I was very rational about it all, it has hit me more as he has grown and realise how fleeting these moments are. It breaks my heart that I can’t regain his first minutes, I can’t ever get back his first 2 hours of life which were spent away from me. I can’t ever relive his first week, month, year; time is going by far too fast!

I know that all sounds very sombre but it does inspires me to make the most of everything and capture all I can on film. It’s why my Instagram is full of pictures of him and my phone storage is gradually dwindling. I know I can’t regain these moments but immortalising these memories is so important to me. His birthday was an amazing weekend (despite my mixed feelings) with gorgeous weather and we took more photos than ever! Something I will love looking back on.

I guess my feelings are ones I will never totally get over but, for now, here’s to another year of Ted. I vow to fill it with all the cuddles, love and fun he could possibly want and need!

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